Lows and Highs

I went to a Mandisa concert last night with a friend.

As we stood in line because we got there early, I watched other people arrive.  This concert was promoted as a Girls’ Night Out and I watched group after group of women park and walk over to the line.  My most frequent thought was, “There are a lot of fat women here.”  I soon realized how prideful that thinking is.  I have no basis for pride in what God has done with me the last almost three years, but there it was.  I’m certainly not model material but I was not only noticing the large women, I was secretly glad I didn’t look like them.  Not one of my best moments.  L  No, I don’t look like I used to, but I don’t look the way I’d like to either.  God’s not looking at the outward appearance, though.  He looks at our hearts.  My heart doesn’t run to food like it used to, but it sure ran to pride last night.  What did God see when He looked at my heart before the show?  Not ugly gluttony and self-indulgence but ugly pride.  Just as ugly.  Sin is sin. 

I saw a friend at the concert whom I went to high school with but haven’t seen in probably 20 years because we live in different cities now.  We’ve been friends on Facebook for a few years.  She just happened to have two seats open next to her family so my friend and I moved there.  FRONT ROW! 

Laura Story was also at the concert.  She sings the song “Blessings” and told us the story of how she came to write it.  Her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor a couple years into their marriage and God wasn’t answering their prayers the way they wanted Him to.  You can find the whole story on YouTube. 

At intermission, they mentioned that the café was selling snacks and that one of those snacks was cream puffs with strawberries and chocolate.  :-DD  After talking to my friend for a few minutes I went to get in line.  I wanted those strawberries and chocolate!  It turned out to be these cream puffs ...

half a strawberry (not a very ripe one)...

And a drizzle of Hershey’s syrup.  I don’t like Hershey’s syrup.  I got it anyway and ate it standing in line for the bathroom.  Then I heard Mandisa on stage so I left the line and almost ran back to my seat! 

I had a fun time watching Mandisa front and center! 

When the show was over and we were walking out I heard God say about the brownie I’d also bought (yeah) that I needed to throw it away as a sacrifice.  I knew I needed to but it was in my purse, there was a huge crowd, and I didn’t see a trash can.  On the drive home I obeyed, put the window down, and threw it out. 
 

So it was a night of lows and highs.  I’ve prayed about my prideful attitude and repented of it.  The brownie cost $1 and I’m sure was from a store mix.  Big whoop.  Obeying God in throwing it out was worth so much more than the benefit I would’ve gotten from eating it. 

In other news, I determined this morning that I WOULD fast supper today and breakfast and lunch tomorrow since I've gotten away from that pattern lately.  Then my mom reminded me that our family had been invited to a birthday party this afternoon.  Sigh.  I asked a friend to pray that I would be self-disciplined.  I did fine and had just water to drink.  When my mom and dad went up to get food my dad brought me the biggest strawberry I'd ever seen, probably 3 inches long!  If you know me at all you know how I am with strawberries!  This one was white on the top and bottom, though, indicating that it wasn't ripe when picked.  My dad went back to the food line and I debated what I should do.  I didn't want to disappoint him by telling him I was fasting and wouldn't eat it, but I didn't want to fail again either.  I ended up biting off the white tip and throwing it in the garbage.  Then I took a bite of the middle of the berry (it probably would've taken me three bites to eat this whole strawberry) but it was bitter.  I made sure my dad wasn't looking and threw it in the garbage.  When I told my praying friend what I'd done she texted back, "Ha, going from sneaking food to eat out to sneaking to throw it away!"  I never thought of it like that.  Yes, I did used to sometimes sneak food or get rid of the evidence of fast food before I got home.  Now I'm sneaking to throw it away and not eat it.  Is there any end to what God can do?!

Another Revelation

I felt bloated and hungry at the same time, but stuck it out for well over an hour.  Then I ate ice cream with strawberries.  I didn't think to measure the ice cream; I just scooped some into a bowl then sliced 5 or 6 strawberries to mix in with it.  While I was eating it, my brother texted me and we started having a fun conversation.  Before I knew it I had finished the ice cream, even drinking the last bit that had melted.  I now feel not just bloated but FAT.  L  I decided to go rinse the rest down the drain.  This isn’t the first time I’ve rinsed ice cream down the drain.  Or the second.  Or even the third.  I’m seeing a pattern here.  It’s not a good idea for me to keep ice cream in the house.  When I’m out, I don’t feel a need to get ice cream.  In fact, I honestly can’t remember the last time I had ice cream out.  It’s been YEARS.  The only reason this was here is that my daughter and her friend made fried ice cream last week and this was left over. 

When David sinned with Bathsheba, one thing that led to his downfall is that he was not where he was supposed to be.  He should’ve been at war with his troops.  I should’ve been at work.  It’s now 9:30 at night and I have at least another hour of work to do.  I didn't need that ice cream to ensure my continued survival.  I could've had nothing. 

I want to say, “Live and learn.  Learn from this, brush it off, and move on.”  This is starting to be recurrent, though.  It’s not enough to brush it off and move on.  I don’t know what else I could’ve done differently.  Earlier this evening I did wait and the hungry feeling persisted so I thought it was real.  Maybe it was.  I don’t know what I could’ve had instead.  No, I do.  I could’ve put some thought into it and come up with a better snack than ice cream.  I don’t have a grocery store in my house, but I do have enough things that I could’ve made a better choice. 

I just prayed and asked God to forgive me.  I’m starting over right now.  Not tomorrow morning.  Certainly not next Monday.  Obviously I don’t need to eat anything else tonight.  Tomorrow’s breakfast will be my usual steel-cut oats with homemade yogurt and strawberries. 

Day 11 - Wednesday

Down 1.2 pounds from yesterday, 12.2 from the beginning, and 88.2 from my highest weight. 

I’m really tired of this pureed veggie soup.  I’m almost tired of fruit smoothies.  I’m ready to chew again.  One more week of liquids and then I can. 

Putting strawberries picked by my own hands into my smoothies helps!  J  I try to make them a little different each time and haven’t had strawberries in the last couple ones. 

Another outfit for the give-away pile. :-) and :-( It was one of my favorites and used to look really good on me, but size 20 jeans and size 1X tops just don't anymore! Thank You, God!  I was able to put the jeans on and take them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them and there’s no elastic!

Who Am I, Really?

Today is a liquid day. I had a smoothie for breakfast, a solid lunch, and another smoothie or two this afternoon. Even though this isn't part of today's plan, I just (8:00) had about 3 small strawberries dipped in chocolate. Then...I...stopped...because...I...really...was...full. I...didn't...want...them.  I'm the Strawberry Queen for goodness' sake!
No, I'm God's princess for goodness' sake! That's my real identity!  : )

I'm Not Perfect

Right now Chris Tomlin is on the radio singing, "Your grace is enough"!!!!!!!!!!


I'm feeling weak spiritually today because work is piling up and it's now 10:36 and I haven't exercised yet. I'm off to do that now in the heat. : (  Earlier, though, I ate a bowl of strawberries dipped in chocolate. It has certainly taken away the hunger I had, but I could've had just the berries. On the other hand, I wait all year for this. I don't buy strawberries

[Now JoyFM is playing From the Inside Out by Hillsong, one of my favorite worship songs. It starts out, "A thousand times I failed, still your mercy remains..."]

from the store since I discovered how good they are when I pick them myself, and if I thaw frozen ones, they're mushy. I have a very small window to enjoy fresh strawberries dipped in chocolate. Did I overeat, though? I could've had half the bowl earlier and half later, so yeah, I guess I did. I'm sorry, God. Please forgive me for overdoing it.

I know You have, and I thank You.  : )

Now Matt Redman is singing, "You never let go, through the calm and through the storm.  Oh no, You never let go, through every high and every low"!!  It's like God orchestrated the last few songs to play right as I'm typing this! 

Sigh.  : )  & <3 p="">
Now, on God's playlist for me (!), is Steven Curtis Chapman singing, "I'm divin' in, I'm goin' deep, in over my head I want to be, caught in the rush, lost in the flow in over my head I wanna go.  The river's deep, the river's wide, the river's water is alive.  So sink or swim I'm diving in!

This tells me that I messed up, I repented, and now God is saying, "Get back in the water, Michele.  You love it here.  In fact, come out where it's deeper, where the water's over your head.  Depend on me to hold you up.  Walk and jog now, then go to the beach later to swim out past the buoys.  THEN you can come home and work.  Let's go see what I [God] am capable of first, though."